Cancer is our Gain

I have this very bad habit of bothering Mio even when he sleeps just to get him to say "I love you Mom" when I tell him that before bedtime. Most of teh time, after a long day at work or those guilt-frilled nights when I come home from a late evening with friends, I just carry him off my parents room and take him to ours.



Tonight, after checking out from the hospital, I attended to a makeup trial, tried to hear mass on time and visited a wake of a high school classmate’s father. So I come home and I find him sleeping soundly.

These times, I make it a point to say a fervent prayer with him as suppose to those other nights that I carelessly tell him, “did you pray?” I usually get a yes. You see, I’m not religious at all. But in defense, I always say that my faith is personal, something I have between me and my God. I am not one to profess or proclaim the word of God unlike how openly I’d profess my feelings of loss or longing—how ironic, I think now. “O ye of little faith” I hear a lot. So in pursuit of imparting the same kind of spirituality to my son I gently remind him to “just talk to Jesus, baby. Say thank you for our blessings, say sorry if you failed to do the right thing or if you accidentally hurt someone today and pray for those who need it most. Ask him to continue to bless us. Say good night and that you love him and Mama Mary.” He does just that even if he’s half-asleep and murmurs away with the words “good night Mama Mary, I love you Jesus, I love you Mommy. Amen.” All in one breath. As if that’s how his love for me is supposed to be. Like how he loves Jesus.

Wrong.

As I cuddle him in a mask after meticulously taking a shower and dusting off the sheets, I try to squeeze him as gently as possible unlike how I’d used to. He’s fragile now and looking at him still displaces my perception of his condition. May cancer yung anak ko. Unbelievable. Tonight, not being there to say his prayer with him (which he did day in day out in the hospital and would do the sign of the cross with his tubeless hand and end his praying hands by holding mine instead) I whisper to him,

“Anak, you have to be brave. You have to be strong. A lot of people are cheering for you so you have to beat the enemy. Mommy will never leave you but no matter how many soldiers the doctors put inside your body, it’s up to you to fight the enemy. Please be brave, anak. Even when it’s painful you have to be brave because all that Mommy can do is love you, anak. I love you, Mio.”

He doesn’t answer as he drowns in his dreams.

I did not assert anymore because it was selfish to take his rest away from him. And it took him having cancer for me to realize that after all these years of bugging him in his sleep. Either that or it took a hundred of people helping us survive the past two weeks, giving and giving—praying and cheering knowing that we have nothing left at all to give in return. My prayer would usually be for unconditional love and that is what I got. Your support and undying prayers are like Mio’s unwavering desire to have me beside him. In fact, in between this writing, I’d hear him crying out from the room, “Mom I want you to sleep na.” I asked why and he said, “because I want you with me all the time.” That kind of selfishness, I don’t mind.

I don’t mind at all because coming from the wake of Lachi’s father (may his soul rest in peace, please pray for the repose of the soul of Francis Chico), I saw in her such power. You see, Lachi was by her father’s bedside 24/7. She always said her father, being her first patient after becoming a registered nurse, trained her well. And although her father did show her his appreciation in as little as squeezing her hand after multiple blood clots, she knew that her father would have wanted her to take care of herself, have a boyfriend and go off to offered vacations. But Lachi said, “every moment I spent with Daddy, even if it meant sleeping on benches in the hospital just to make sure he had someone with him all the time, was my gain. I had everything to gain in taking care of him because I had the most time with him and I knew I wasn’t going to regret it.”

What more for us who have all the time in the world with our loved ones? Shame on children who abandon their parents. Shame on parents who don’t spend time with their children. If it weren’t for cancer, you might as well cast stones at me right now.

Mio Can!

Initially, Piso Para Kay Mio.

You know Frances told me of a student who gave her day's allowance as donation for Mio. I can't help feel guilty and at the same time overwhelmingly grateful because my son has proven that people are innately good and I hope--even if it weren't us on the receiving end, people won't tire of helping in their own little way.

As for cancer, yes, Mio Can conquer it!

I'd like to thank Cielo Fronteras for really reaching out to Ara to ask for more cans. And my brother-in-law, Mike Manalo for making more to distribute along with his friends. He coined Mio Can and formed the group page on Facebook, like the true Art Director that he is.

If you come across these, please drop your change. Like that student's baon, rest assured it'll go a long way. If you'd like to put one in your establishment which Cha Espinar will be monitoring, please get in touch with miofightscancer@gmail.com

PS. As of blog time, we are back in the hospital for blood transfusion overnight. That really upset Mio and made him cry so hard. Three veins bulged on his left hand in pursuit of the perfect line for his IV again. And he cries again as he is paralyzed with his right hand, forbidding him to draw and stack his speed stacks. He kept asking, "I thought we're not staying here? I hate it here in the doctor's place! I want to go home!" but I told him that I never promised him anything that I wasn't sure of myself.

Except that I'll never leave him and that if we trust the doctors like how Jesus wants us to trust him in making them swift and gentle everyday that they have to "put soldiers in his body," we CANcervive this even if it means losing material things.

Cause of Art

Mio wants to be an artist. I'd actually joke after he'd say that, "like Mom, a makeup artist?" Haha.

And I absolutely have no words to describe how grateful I am that people from all walks of life would extend themselves to Mio.

If you're a techy fanatic, check out our write up here.

If you're an art advocate and would like to invest your money in good pieces that will definitely make it big, while supporting young talent and a good cause, why don't you look these up:

http://ala-ism.pansitan.net/

Ala & her friend Gee, who I have yet to thank for have decided to sell some of their artworks to help with Mio's medication. It tuly means a lot to me and inspires me to allow Mio to pursue his hobby. I am hoping that he grows up to draw inspiration from these good-hearted artists.

I truly appreciate these artists would just like to help. I hope you support their endeavors as much as they've supported our cause:

Its a small world and it goes around. Mio and I will pay it forward someday, soon as we make it out of here. Thanks to you. :)

MioCANCERvive

"Mom, are the enemies gone already?"

How I wish, son. As of blog time, my son is home and happy. He's too happy that everything he asks for, from toasted cheese to a goldfish has been delivered right in front of his doorstep (thank you Gaia of Red Rock Travel Agency) and all he has to do is drink his medicine and wear his mask.

"Mom how am I going to eat mangoes if I have my mask on? Someone has to wear the mask if I'm taking mine off, Mom!"

How diligent. I've spoken to his teacher and have tried to map out his home-schooling as well as the househelp's activities without interrupting Mio's routine of watching his favorite shows, doing his daily doodles and living life to the fullest.

I watch him like he's a new born baby now. He's fragile and he's precious. Like all children I'm sure. But I had an interview in between hospital duty the other day for a character study based on this blog and the last question I encountered after a series of dramatically provoked questions was, "Are you prepared in case....?"

I quickly answered a firm "no". It was not an option, I said. With all the goodness, love and support my son has been blessed with, it does not make sense. If for anything, I believe that being stricken with cancer allowed us to gain the things that I prayed for for a long time: humility, patience and love, above all things.

I've learned through this child that strength is not measured by your body but by your spirit. That's what I'm working on and I hope my son grows up to appreciate what he's going through now. I've learned that people are good and can see past pain and destruction. Mio is an opportunity for others to love, be good and be inspired and there is no way that he will not survive cancer. It wasn't an option especially when I was told he had an 80% chance of remission after a 3-5 year cycle.

The right question to ask is, "Are we prepared to survive HIS cancer?"

Truth be told, my lack of foresight paralyzes me. I have no idea or I vaguely do of how to go about this and get past Mio's pain when he cries out "Mom! You're making my feelings owie!"

I will never fully understand his pain and I can't quite explain it to him either. It is a long road of trials and although the immediate concern is money, my mind is blown away by the outstanding possibilities and miracles we encounter everyday.

Tomorrow is another treatment day and it was as if we just slept overnight outside the hospital. I'm hoping that in time I will be able to recover and survive my lack of trust in nature and let my son go through the course of accepting his role in the world with this disease. But like what I saw in the charm Gaia handed me....

MioCANCERsuvive. So should we.

Thank God for Spongebob

We've been having "the grandest vacation of our life" at the hospital for a week now and our bill is shooting up to a fast 6-digits. My son's mood has been swinging back and forth as if he had a second childhood, terrible threes and PMS all at the same time. It has truly been a test of humility and patience on my part and I cannot imagine how Mio is taking all of this.

The white board on our wall has the day, date, "My nurse is:________" and "Instructions for the day:" written on it. Ours go:

> please wear mask at all times

> observe strict handwashing at all times

> nothing by mouth by 12 midnight

> report any discomfort noted

My son has gotten too accustomed with the nurses on standby. He won't even let me touch his IV and call out, "Mom can you please press the buzzer for the nurse?" And when I do, a voice from the nursing station calls out from the intercon and Mio shouts just so they can hear him clearly, "backflow again!"

Mio picks up really fast so he's quite familiar now with medical terms as such including IV, BP, temperature, syringe.... (well, if they're normal words and far from the medical terms, forgive me coz I just know the artsy stuff). And I think its just fair that I try to make him understand why he's going through all of these medicines and why we've been here for the longest time.

That is to no avail. When I asked him last night how he felt--referring to the 4th note on the white board, he firmly answered, "I'm angry."

O my Lord. When I asked why, he winningly said a litany of why he feels as such:

"I'm angry because of the needles. They're owie."

"I hate injections."

"I don't like yucky medicine... one teaspoon only!"

"I want to sleep, tell the nurse not to wake me up!"

"I don't like bone marrow. I want Dr. Racho! I want the doctor to be gentle!"

"I want to go home. I miss Happy Valley, Dada, Anmom and Tito Jon..."

All these frustrations from a five year old. Heavy. Aside from the endless worry on how we'll manage to get out of this hospitalization-slash-hotel-living without a constraint order from St. Luke's or how we'll work around work (multiple jobs at that to get by on our average lifestyle), his education and safety, I am anxious over the idea of having to be away from him from now on.

Quite honestly, I am ashamed to admit that contrary to what most of you think, I am not the most hands on mother on earth. I had to ween him from breastfeeding as early as his third month because I had lactating breasts during job interviews and had to disperse the milk in public toilets so I can buy milk and diapers and pay for his vaccines; I am stripped of the chance to see him in his waking hour and putting him to bed because I have to juggle three jobs; and I sneak in a drink or two to catch up on the people who help me get by, my friends who keep my sanity intact so I can come home to Mio without resentment or the feeling that I had to give up so much just so I can be a parent. I had all these excuses, you know. And although I know that this isn't my fault... that there is no reason for all of this to happen... here in these four walls, I have control.

I can manage my expectations knowing well that I am surrounded by medical experts and that nurses are quick to respond to our needs; I can smile and joke on Mio's illness because I see and know day in day out what's done to him and how he feels; I can write away because my thoughts are filled with nothing else but this disease and my son's relief. But once we leave, the true test of blind faith will commence and my thoughts will be all over the place. How sure am I that if anything happens to my immuno-compromised child, it is not because I wasn't there that's why it happened? No wonder Mio firmly says "No!" when I remind him of what's to happen once he gets better.

I hate it too. That he has to go through all of this and I cannot explain it to my son who is probably the smartest boy I've spoken to. He processes his feelings and verbalizes them so well, its hard not to make him understand.

I've realized that not all things--more so the concept of how people you least expect would help or the lack of sensitivity from some would be hard to comprehend. And there is no answer to these why questions. At least my kind of faith tells me that there is room to be more faithful and accept.

How do you explain the concept of acceptance to a five year old kid? Its bigger than what adults can fathom, more so for him. I cannot even begin to imagine how he actually feels in spite of his ranting. It hurts me that I cannot make him understand. I can't even explain why he has to simply accept or how.

"Just keep asking your questions, baby even if they're plenty, God will answer you maybe in a dream, you'll just know it. You just have to trust that the doctors know what they're doing, that they're taking good care of you and they won't let you drink medicine or give you injection that won't be good for you.. We're fighting the enemies, right? ... you have to be brave because its going to be hard and painful. Just keep asking Jesus to make the owie go away fast. Just do it, Anak."

Ang hirap kaya tanggapin ng "basta" pag matalino ka. (Its hard to accept that not everything that happens has a reason when you actually think.)

No wonder stupid movies and chick flicks amuse us. The ignorance and idiocy in cartoons simplify life like it is what it is and there's no reason for things. They're just how they are. Once you've sought deeper meaning in it, it gets complicated and becomes harder. My son is five. My neck hurts at the thought of what else he's up against when he's getting it hard now.

My Kuya was joking with the doctor when we noticed Mio's spine was a bit angled and protruded, "Leukemia, scoliosis... ano pa kaya meron ang batang yan?" ("What else does this boy have?")

It's all a mystery like how it is down under the sea. No wonder Mio's comfort and joy these days is keeping the tv tuned in on Spongebob (we've never turned it off since Monday last week. We actually haven't changed channels away from Nickelodeon) and he keeps watching the same episodes of his favorite cartoons again and again. Its useless and stupid. But at least we're laughing and we know how it ends. There's a lack of intellect and substance. Don't you think some cartoons under estimate our kids' capacity to think?

Then again, how else would a five year old understand that faith is beyond reason? How else? I guess Spongebob's happy-go-lucky disposition and the kindness he has deep in his heart--the way he'd absorb everything that just comes and come out alive--you think that's stupid or was that just how faith gets him by?

The Irony of Mio's Life

Akalain mo, talagang may leukemia ung anak ko.

My disbelief is still sometimes the sole comic relief everyday that I wake up to the reality of this disease. The hospital walls some kind of resemble days when I'm billeted at a hotel--enjoying the oh-so-efficient assistance of the nurses is like room service, the food is excellent and the walls indeed shelter us from the cruelties of the outside world. Once I check out, its all back to how it was. And more often than not, its worse than how it is within the confines of whatever walls I came from.

At this point, I'm trying to map out how we'll go about cancer without taking a toll on too many people. Anyone else aside from myself is a hassle already and I'm actually humbled by all the support and help we've been receiving from all ends. I can't help think of who's actually responsible for Mio. Besides myself, sino pa ba?

My family's love may be unconditional and so is yours which makes it sweeter. I've received countless blessings to have people all over the world, strangers even praying for and helping Mio. Yet there is this man who lives a meter away from our house and couldn't care less in spite of knowing that his child is stricken with cancer. Unless he doesn't know that leukemia is the cancer of the blood much like when he declared his blood type to be C (!) when I gave birth, this is the dumbest and most evil thing that cannot be excused for simple ignorance.

The irony is, I actually believe that if Mio had this person in his life from the very start, very few of you would have known or cared for him. You see, Mio was born in the spotlight. My pregnancy though unexpected was celebrated by an entire university. Be born to a mother who was Student Council legislative, an active thespian and an officer for various school organizations in her senior year, you think you can go low profile? I had multiple baby showers, I hardly remember being sad at all. If that didn't happen, kapos siguro kami sa dasal at mga nagmamahal.

You wanna hear something ironic again? Mio has very little idea of how many people actually know him and he'd shy away whenever he hears me talk about it. He's actually put his foot down yesterday when he heard me talking on the phone describing his condition to a friend checking on him. "Stop talking about me, Mom!" For all he knows, when he's probably 15 and internet savvy (although he's already saved some websites on my laptop to log on so he can play games and download coloring pages) he can google his name and the world wide web will reveal his childhood to him.

I've always complained on how my parents and relatives tend to spoil my son compared to his cousins. I never wanted Mio to feel that people are over-compensating for the lack of a father but now that he has cancer, its quite a relief that he's always had that. It wouldn't be so hard the people around him to shower him the same affection, attention and love. And he in turn wouldn't think that it's all only because he's sick.

The most baffling of all ironies is that Mio I'd bet is the healthiest kid in the world. I'm not the healthiest person what with all the smoking, drinking and the lack of sleep. But my son--- he's acquired a unique liking for organic stuff and spits out beef or pork as early as when I'd still have to mash his food; he irks at junk food and softdrinks; he'd ask to have his hands wiped off after dropping money during offertory at Sunday mass and he'd be the one to remind his yaya or me to bring him a jacket when its raining. How can this bouncing baby boy be so sick?

And how is it possible that my oh-so-dramatic life would be capped off with an epitaph-worthy title "a single mom to a leukemia-stricken boy"? That's so wrong in so many levels. How boring can your life be compared to mine huh? Kidding. That's a comic relief I just had to share if only to amuse you and take a break from all this ranting.

But seriously. I'm quite grateful that I have so many reasons to feel blessed and have absolutely none to come close to falling frail. I'm not saying normal mothers have it easy. Because if I had it easy, I doubt I'd be so admirable at all. On the other hand, that man (if he can even qualify as one already) has lost all hope for redemption in heaven or here on earth. Imagine, the child he denied at first, reclaimed and denied again is now stricken with cancer. He is officially the devil incarnate if this doesn't perk up his conscience if he has one at all. So if you know him, give him a nudge because believe it or not, this is his last chance to make it up. I pushed the button when I brought the matter into court but by the grace of God, I am willing to forget all the hassle if he'd just give Mio what he deserves. This beats his need of a college fund, darling. And although I've said it time and again, this isn't about you or me. This is in fact a matter of life and death for Mio.

This cancer, the bitch recently introduced in our life, has pushed him a notch down the top charts of "Things that Caused Us Pain." And if the tramp can actually inspire and promote love and prayer in others, it sure does make me rethink vengeance and such. The tongues of fire has spoken again when I asked Mio if he'd like to have his hair shaved off in preparation for the possible side effects of chemo. He gave me the "nye!" look of his and annoyingly said he didn't want to look like his father.

Again. I had to remind him not to speak ill of that person. He asked me why I didn't like him. As if it was a challenge na eh bakit ikaw galit sakanya?

I reminded him that he's sick and instead of being angry at people he should just be kind and understanding because this sickness is a practice to more painful things in life when he grows up. So he ought to let this issue go, aside from it doesn't or shouldn't really matter to him compared to the lurking threat this disease has over us.

"He doesn't even come!" Mio said. What else do I have to say to that? The five year old has spoken his wisdom.

That's one for the books today, Ladies & Gentlemen.

Cancer Can't...

I try to read Mio all the messages sent our way. One in particular is from a batchmate of mine, Rina who herself suffered to a family member's illness. She has inspired me through this brief message to which Mio replied,

"It can't do anything pala, so plenty. You tell Jesus Mom coz they're so plenty the enemies cannot do."

That's positivity right there! I hope it inspires you as much as it has given that innocent push on Mio's ego.

Cerina

August 21 at 6:21pm

Dear Jasmine,

I just noticed your status messages about Mio. About 1 1/2 years ago my father was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, stage 4. It's a kind of cancer of the blood, too.

This is something I saw hung on a doctor's door. I'm not the religious kind at all. But this one, this helps me.

"What Cancer Cannot Do"

Cancer cannot

... cripple love

...shatter hope

...erode faith

...destroy peace

...kill friendship

...destroy memories

...silence courage

...invade the soul

...steal eternal life

...conquer the spirit.

Cancer is limited.

My kindest regards to you and your family,

Rina

Setting Things in Motion

I am truly inspired and deeply touched by all the support everyone is throwing our way. My son remains oblivious of his disease but someday, I will make sure that all your well wishes and help will be personally repaid or paid forward by Mio. Like I said, there is no way for him not to grow up to be the kind of man who is smart, good and handsome. You have equipped him with all things good to not only survive this illness but you are providing him tools to life skills and lessons that no other child could ever learn in school. Thank you. I will forever be in debted to all of you.

How do I begin to beg? I humbly admit that yes, we do need your help. I would have wanted Mio to have a normal life and yet here we are faced with the biggest battle. There are warriors putting things in motion and if you'd like to extend your help, no matter how little or how far, it would be an honor for us if you'd bet on my son's life by participating, sharing the word or simply looking into these projects that Mio's loved ones are preparing for us.

1) Financial Aid

Our immediate need is to get through the induction stage of his medication and the hospital bills are shooting up fast. Mio's godmother has opened a bank account solely for the purpose of donations intended for Mio.

BDO (Banco de Oro) Junior Savings Account# 3520070809
Account name: Jose Emilio Mendiola
Branch: Eastwood City, Libis, Quezon City

If you'd like to confirm the receipt of your donation, kindly email miofightscancer@gmail.com

2) Blood Donations

As of now, Mio has only had four blood tranfusions. According to the doctors, the first month is the time when blood transfusion is needed the most. In case you are willing to donate, he is a B+ blood type. Its better if the blood donated to him is already type specific, said the doctor. You may go directly to the St. Luke's blood bank and kindly specify that you're donating blood for Dr. Allan Racho's patient, Jose Emilio C. Mendiola


*as of his last hospitalization, we've realized that donated blood turns out more expensive as it has to be screened for several viruses/ illnesses and filtered before it is transmitted. We're trying to find a way to get around it by looking for Red Cross contacts and find out the organization's arrangement with the hospital for donated blood. Any leads on that would be greatly appreciated.

3) Beauty Can Fight Cancer

A former colleague of mine from Summit Media, Frances Sales has blogged about Mio and has took upon herself to sell some beauty items to help us raise funds. Link her up, check her site, promote it or if you'd like to do a similar effort, just link up my Facebook or comment to supplement these efforts. We would be more than grateful for it.

4) Prayer Rallies & Make A Wish Grants

Ray Ticsay, an Art Director in Singapore and a former colleague of mine is coming up with a prayer rally called Mio'clock. He's building a logo to initiate prayers at 8am, the time Mio was born, to be sent to the high heavens for Mio's recovery.

Kindly hit them up on their Facebook pages, Ray Ticsay & Leslie Lee if you'd like to know more on the efforts done for this cause :)

5) Fund Raising

Another godmother of Mio, Jean Madrid has taken upon herself to be the point person/ representative in coordinating projects that you might think of. Kindly get in touch with her if you have ideas because we really need more heads than just mine in making money to fund Mio's treatment. Her digits are +639175719203.

I'm really so blessed to have the following people offer their support in creative ways like these. If you'd like to participate and support ideas pitched by the following people, I would be more than happy to link you up and expound on how Mio's dreams can come true, thanks to you.

- Mio the Artist. Alessa Libongco had the brilliant idea of using Mio's drawings as a template for some artsy things. Mio wants to be an artist anyway. If you have something in mind and would like to contribute your creative ideas to a cause like this, kindly look her up on my Facebook or holler so we can hook you up.


an Art auction--spinning off from Ala Paredes' efforts will also be in the works soon. Please hit up http://miotheartist.blogspot.com for updats once its up.


- MioMondays. Pino Restaurant in 122 Maginhawa St., Teacher's Village will be hosting a series of set menu dinners on selected monday starting October 12 until December. A 5-course meal especially prepared by chef Edward Bugia will be served to guests who wish to reserve seats in advance at a premium price of P2,000 a plate. Proceeds go to Mio's medication. Please check http://pinipinopino.multiply.com

- Benefit Gig. Martha Herrera and some friends who I think would prefer to be anonymous for now (correct me if I'm wrong) have gathered their networks and invited some bands to play and Storm the Gates of Heaven for Emilio. They're currently looking for sponsors and a venue to host the event. I'd like to call out to my friends in the music industry to participate and the music fanatics to support. Send us an email at miofightscancer@gmail.com

- Mio Can. Pwede rin namang hindi piso :) but a good friend of mine, Ara Fernando informed me that she's decorating a can that she'll bring around to solicit donations for Mio. If you chance upon her, please drop a coin or two or a change bill from your pocket. If you'd like to make one too, that would be nice.


Charisse (contact person for financial aid) is also monitoring the production of the cans along with my brother-in-law, Mike Manalo. You may email miofightscancer@gmail.com if you'd like to have one and we'd be more than happy to make/ deliver you one.

Its 5:20am again and we just woke up the leukiboy for some medicines and another blood transfusion. He'll be receiving another medication as part of his treatment through his IV in an hour. Your desire to help, your prayers and your support keep me going and I sincerely hope hindi kayo magsawa ipagdasal si Mio. Maraming maraming salamat po.

PS. If you're interested in volunteering your efforts, there's also a celebrity auction and garage sale being set up. Please email miofightscancer@gmail.com with subject VOLUNTEER and send in your name, age, work/school level course, contact number and email address. Thank you so much!