Don't Talk to Strangers

Mio's been extra cranky today. It was my fault really. I wasn't aware of what his chemo was going to be like today and he was expecting it to be brief. Unfortonately I was mistaken because it was one of those kinds where he had to fast four hours ahead of time, wait in line, have a total of six injections, get groggy and lie down for about two hours not to mention the excruciating spinal prick. By now he should be used to it but well, he's still just five years old and that's not an easy concept to understand.


After all that was over and Dr. Racho left word on his new oral medication, bid us goodbye, I told Mio unassumingly, "ok Mio, say thank you to Dr. Racho." And to my surprise, he answered, "why?" I gave this embarassed snicker and bashfully apologized for my son to which the doctor, who was used to his patients' mood swings, smiled at.


I told Mio that this was what I've been asking from him ever since. That he has to be grateful and say thank you because he isn't aware that a lot of people are helping him so when people approach him, ask how he is and randomly greet him, he should at least be polite and say thank you.


He argues back and reminds me, "but Mom, you told me not to talk to strangers."


Oo nga naman. I had to explain to Mio that not all strangers are dangerous-- that if a stranger who is nice talks to him, he should be nice too. I had to correct my initial reminder that instead of "not to talk to strangers" he "shouldn't go with strangers, not without someone he knows or trusts like family." That's a mouthful but apparently needed coz needless to say, my son is too smart for my own good, cancer and all.


I guess what I realized is that 1) never underestimate children; and 2) strangers aren't so bad after all.


I hope everyone realizes that although we are all strangers to each other alike, there is goodness proliferating everywhere during times like these. Children make us realize stuff like this. And so does crisis and cancer alike. Amen.

Mio's Ark

There are no words. It is horrible and heartbreaking, I cannot begin to describe how shocked we are. Although Leukiboy remains oblivious of the recent events, our evening prayer last night is not without acknowledging the fact that we are under a roof and we are safe although our garage is slightly flooded since we live beside a creek right outside the Serra Monte-Northview-San Mateo bridge lines.

Last week had a cause for celebration when Mio’s bone marrow extraction showed that his disease is under perfect control. His blood count is normal and that there is nothing to worry about for now. And then a storm hits us.

I feel selfish that I am in no capacity to extend help. I couldn’t even volunteer to those affected by the flood. If I was still in college I’d be out under the rain the minute it poured but being a mother on top of Mio’s condition ties me to my chair and I refuse to go anywhere else. It looks pathetic from where I’m standing but I seriously feel that I am needed here more than anywhere else. I never realized this is how it feels. And I’m quite sorry for myself. My son’s health may be at stake so all we can do is keep ourselves dry inside our room—not even in the house since the ceiling cracks are deteriorating and dripping our dining room floor wet. Pray pray pray. I have asked the organizers to postpone the concert they were working on from Wednesday to Friday next week, October 9. It feels inappropriate and there are obviously more pertinent concerns to be addressed. In fact, I said Mio and I are still comfortable, his treatments aren’t compromised at all and if we must, the ticket sales and the money solicited may well be devoted to donate relief goods for those who need it most right now. It’s just money, it’s gonna come back when it’s needed. I’ve felt like a charity case the past weeks, the least I can do is share if not help myself.

It slightly hurts to feel so grateful when there are so many people who have lost their loved ones, their homes and everything they’ve worked hard for. If you’re reading this, it’s safe to remind us that maswerte parin tayo (We are still lucky), don’t you think? I really hope everyone finds the strength to see past through this crisis. It’s just sad. And there’s no one to blame so I hope that those who have been affected by the weekend’s chaos soon realizes that there is no answer to the “why” questions. The government is just as helpless and it is a miracle already how they have raised more than 50M pesos in donations and what with all the people who have extended theirselves to help, to send relief goods and to rescue people. I really hope these small deeds shed light during these dark times. Its not like God has chosen those who are hard up as it is as suppose to those who can afford—the storm hit rich and poor people alike, celebrities even, there is no telling or choosing sides.

Incidentally, my series of baby showers when I was about to give birth to Mio was called Mio’s Ark. But who prepares for the flood, right? Who prepares for a crisis or a disease? I think more than preparation, prevention is what’s called for. Had I been more religious with Mio’s routine check ups or more attentive to his complaints, perhaps his disease wasn’t diagnosed to be cancer at all. Had we been more conscious with our waste disposal and our health or the environment in general, perhaps a storm like this wouldn’t have hit us this hard. I’m lucky Mio’s Ark provided for Mio’s every need—from diapers, bottles, crib, stroller—everything! It was a premonition of how loved we would be throughout Mio’s life, I thought.

All that talk about prevention aside from or instead of preparation is really about placing blame on anyone, just for reference in the future. It’s not like I’m standing on a moral high horse. I wish I was but I’m not. I’m far from it and quite guilty. I’m really sorry. I hope we all survive and rise above all this. I hope that the kindness and the help we’ve received will be magnified a hundred times and the pain that this tragedy has caused will go away as fast as Mio’s disease is. For this, we pray pray pray.

Nevertheless, the concert on Oct. 9, my baby showers show that late or not, there's an ark out there for every situation. Flood or cancer, there are people ready to give a helping hand, go in pairs or even groups of people to volunteer in times of need. I should know.

All the Fishes in the Sea

Last night, Mio was upset while we ran over his schedule this week. Schitzo actually. Coz he was excited when I said both volunteer teachers Ginny & Jovinne were coming this week, Tuesday & Wednesday to teach him his lessons that were way behind schedule. Mio's school, Happy Valley was nice enough to extend such great help continuing his curriculum at home and Teacher Ada checking on him every now and then. Even his classmate's are so supportive, Mio's been receiving "Get well soon" notes from them and "You're my best friend!" random screamings from Jorge (we miss you too, Luis, Joaquim, Waks, Neil & Gabbi--Mio's the one-on-one kind of friend you see). 

Mio with his Happy Valley classmates (no! not taking him out, we just dropped by to get his task sheets and his classmates wanted to see him from outside the car. That's Jorge with Teacher Ada and all his other classmates cheering for Mio. Mio was teary0eyed when we left saying, "I miss my friends." aww... :()

I had to remind Mio that he can't be around his friends too often coz he might get sick if any of them were, same way I couldn't be with him so much 'coz I'm sick myself. He has all these reasons at night why he wants to get better TOMORROW. "Coz I wanna sleep beside you eh, coz I wanna sleep where my toys are, and I’m gonna miss Naya..." talking about his fish. He quickly deviates from the topic at hand and remembered, "Mom we have to buy new fish coz Naya misses Mario."

Of course, my obliging parents get the fish. They bought him two goldfish that weren't gold at all. They were white with gold spots. I come home from work to find three wiggly wish in the tiny aquarium. I asked Mio if he's been taking care of them and he said, "Yes Mom. I just fed them but the two new fish look like they're fighting. And look, I told you I'm feeding them. Naya's getting bigger coz the big one before was just Mario."

Before going to bed, I try to think of what to write. And I was trying to gather my thoughts on all the upcoming fund raising projects. I was thinking all weekend how lucky my son was and how we can pay it forward someday. I'm too consumed with surviving on a daily basis, these things just bite me in the ass and I can't manage to get to finish anything just yet. I'm quite -- no I actually am really overwhelmed with everything going on on top of the regular daily crisis. It’s a dilemma of sorts, trying to balance the usual routine and integrating this new lifestyle that involves working around cancer. 

I wanted to deviate from random musings but I couldn't help wonder: my five year old has cancer while there are over a hundred other kids starving somewhere, some suffering with aids in some part of the world, some who aren't able to study and some too who suffer the same illness... I am a 27 year old single mother while there are other mothers who have been widowed, separated and are making ends meet just like I am... why would we be so lucky to be the recipient of so much goodness? I try to ponder on how people can relate to us on so many levels or simply maybe because I just happen to have the right friends to make things happen.... I also sometimes reflect on the street children who pass me by while I commute. I try to battle with giving my coins or ignoring them because in my mind, I need every centavo for Mio. Then again, I feel too blessed and it’s not like we don't have enough. Maybe for now, we do but if Mio needs it on a rainy day what will I do? Then I remember the Mio Cans and how it’s changed the perspective that your change can't make a difference. I remember that the first 3 cans we've received full of coins have raised P12,100 which was almost good to fund a week's worth of chemo. Who would have thought your change helped us like that?

I smiled when my heart breathed out a sigh of relief because all my musings were useless. The truth is, all this is teaching me that Generosity is kinder when it isn't asked for or when it's least expected of. All the strangers, all the people from the past who I may have hurt, all the people who may have hurt us---the answer to the eternal why's of sincerity and all that judgemental crap go down the drain when faced with so much of this goodness.

While I was pondering on those, Mio runs to me and point out that the oxygen wasn't attached to the machine of the aquarium. And I gasped when I saw the two new fish floating! They were dead! How unfortunate, I thought. And Mio's first question was, "how come Naya doesn't die Mom?"

I froze and thought that I should think of a good answer. I looked at Naya and told Mio that she was just as strong as him that's why she wasn't dying. And when you think about it, the agitated fish thrown in fresh water, greedy for food could have died suffocated of so much worrying. Naya was just swimming along waiting, patiently poking at the water surface when she's hungry--- how can we not be like Naya and Mio, I thought. All my musings could well be the death of me if I don't stop worrying. If my life was like an aquarium, then so be it. So long as people watching seemed to be just as inspired as my son is of Naya's strength and spirit. I hope Mio and Jasmine the fish are living our life and the confines of cancer well enough to be grateful of those watching and feeding. It’s slightly pathetic but I seriously feel grateful more than anything else.

Music for Mio

Mio was watching a DVD of the old Hi-5 and I asked him who he liked better. "I like the old Hi-5." Of course, I asked why and he said, "coz the Tim here likes music."

And then I realized that indeed the characters of the show had their own strengths or talents so to speak. There was one into sports, one into dancing, one into story-telling and so on and so forth. My son's favorite happened to be the one who talks about instruments and sang the most.

I never knew where he got that fascination for music. Maybe it was my over-compensating for being at work all the time as early as when he was an infant and my paranoia, I'd schedule what CD should be playing in his nursery every afternoon. Mondays were Chopin, Tuesdays were Vivaldi, Wednesdays were for Bach, etc. I also slept on the same schedule when I was pregnant. But once at Boni High, he heard Brigada playing and all he could ask from me for Christmas were bonggos rather than toys.

Its fascinating really that Mio has this liking for music. And I can't feel more blessed when music is sang and played for a good cause. I am honored that Jill and a few friends from the music industry have decided to play good music for Mio's healing. Please support their efforts tomorrow and I'll see you then at Route 196. My good friends from Route, Sessionroad, Top Junk, Techy Romantics and the generous people from Mozzie, Sando & Gaijin are playing. We'll be selling tickets to the Sept. 30 Music Museum concert too so I really hope you can come and support.

For the love of music. For the love of Mio. Tomorrow night is OURS. Thanks people!

Mio's Appetite

If I didn't know that steroids were the culprit in changing my son's preferred diet, I'd actually be happy except that he complains, "my cheeks are so big, they're owie when I smile."


Mio vomitted after eating pancakes, chicken and rice, chocolate cake and had two bottles of milk all in a span of two hours. He wasn't even bothered about it and even got to say, "Can I eat again? Coz all the food went out!"


Mio always had good taste in food--healthy, yummy and all in good company. I, on the other hand, have a good taste in friends. Coz they're all so nice!


Share a meal with us and help raise funds over a not-so-fancy but really yummy 6-course meal prepared by a good chef, in a cozy place right in your neighborhood.


Lets have MioMondays at Pino Restaurant starting October so you can see Mio's art prints too. Please come!

October 19, November 9, November 23, and December 7 at Pino Resto Bar 122 Maginhawa St., Teacher's Village, QC.  Spend time with good company, feast on an exquisite 6-course dinner prepared by Pino's Chef Edward Bugia, enjoy free wine and take home an artwork souvenir by 5-year old aspiring artist Mio Mendiola. Dinner will be served between 7-10 PM. For inquiries of reservations, contact 0917-7371376 (Alessa).


No need for steroids to have an appetite for what they've prepared. Please join us on a MioMonday :) See you there!

Speaking of Miracles

... look who dropped by in one of Mio's chemo sessions....

(Mio with Denise Laurel & Maja Salvador)

These girls, if you must know, are actually strangers to us prior to some weeks ago. It was like sunshine through a window during a rainy day when Denise walked in Dr. Racho's clinic armed with a birthday wish to share her blessings to Mio--and hopefully to other cancer-stricken kids.

She's celebrating her birthday on Sept. 30 and her best friend Maja is also turning a year older a week after. It is a miracle that in weeks, they were able to book The Music Museum and gather a roster of talents that I can only dream of seeing in one stage altogether. And they're doing it to help us raise funds for Mio.

Mio Fights Cancer : The Benefit Concert is set on Denise Laurel's birthday, Sept. 30, Wednesday at the Music Museum. Tickets are sold at P300, P500 & P700 and will be available at ticketworld in a few days. Lets begin a series of miracles on that day. We'll be inviting Mio's chemomates so they can witness miracles the way we have. They are the tesimonies that Mio, like them, will grow up to have a normal life in spite of cancer. Whereas, Denise and her friends namely Maja, All Stars, Young JV, Marcus Davis, Jay-R, Kris LAwrence, Carla & Nikki Guevarra, Salamin, Kjwan, Kaye Abad, Archipelago, Pupil (of which one of Mio's ninongs is a member of, Yan Yuzon), Imago, Severo, JP David, Akafellas, Saab & Maxene Magalona, The Pin-Up Girls, among others will prove that goodness knows no status in life or friends or strangers... its just plain kindness and the innate goodness of people sharing their miracles and making them happen everyday.

I really feel so blessed. What with all these people helping out to top off Mio's unconditional love for me and all of my family who is blessed by his presence in our life. Kids are gifts of God. His life is just as important as anyone else's and it is an honor that we have been given a chance to see it clearly. We hope you see us through as the road to witnessing life in this perspective is long and hard.

But on Sept. 30, fight with us and kick it off with a bit of fun for those who find it a good gig to go to. Its hosted by Sarah Meier-Albano, Mo Twister, Grace Lee & Mojo Jojo. Check on the Facebook event please :)

Thank you friends and strangers. A single mom can't ask for anything more when she's armed with Mio Warriors like you. Thank you :)

Mio Miracles

"Mom, can you go to the church and be healed?"

I guess he was referring to his visit the other day at Mt. Carmel along Visayas Ave. A high school friend of mine gave us a pass to one of Fr. Suarez's healing masses. Mio was impatient, I was told by my parents as they had to bring him while I went to work. They texted me to pray when the "healing" began as Mio finally overcame his annoyance of waiting for such a long time (not to mention how early it was in the morning on top of his mood swings, courtesy of his medicines).

I actually tried to write about how the events unfolding before us seemed like actual miracles everyday while I was in the MRT that same morning (I guess that entry didn't miraculously get posted, maybe because I was meant to write a more well-thought of essay).

I find myself in tears when I am alone during the most regular times of the day: cab rides, mrt rides, afternoons on my desk in the office and praying at night. I can't seem to find a rational behind it because in my mind, there is absolutely no reason to feel so sad and shed tears, what with all the miracles surrounding us.

I suppose that in itself is a miracle: the fact that no matter how everthing going on is overwhelming, the feelings combined result in an unexplainable gush of emotions that are confined within the privacy of my personal space. If Mio saw tears in my eyes, he wouldn't be able to understand that they're there not because of the same reasons he used to protect me from ("who Mom? who made you cry? Stop crying Mom, please." I remember him pleaing when I cry in bed over [gah!] such a shallow matter of the heart now that I think about it.)

The warmth of my tears signal that my heart keeps beating precisely because I am overwhelmed with love. If the people who have shown so much support and helped us knew how the simplest words sounded like angels singing, everyone would probably feel like the pollution in Manila as I rode that long MRT and jeepney ride that miraculous morning would smell like God.

My tears felt like agitation and worry leaving my insides because it had no place in my heart. I received a call the other day from two perfect strangers: a couple who's child survived leukemia of a more complex type. I welcomed this call with an open mind. And hard as I try to guard my heart and take all things in rational consideration, I felt like a baby being cradled in my own Mommy's arms. They spoke of no lie that what's ahead was going to be more difficult than it already is. They recounted their past through my blogs telling me how they couldn't finish reading without reminiscing their own pain and fear. It was unbelievable hearing it--how else can it be more difficult? My son was assured of an 80% cure and I have a batallion of people praying. No one would know better than those who have gone through it, I thought. And fear overwhelmed me so much, my walls shattered into an unguarded path that led to more tears. And then I realized, life itself was hard already: work is hard, money is hard to find and there are just those small things that annoy you everyday--all these on top of your son dealing with cancer. Yeah. It is hard when you look at it like that.

Those feelings on top of pressure at work was hard to manage. And although my usual workaholic self would find it instinctive to fix and work harder, all I could think of was, "this is time away from my son and it should be worth it." Then again, I remember that the long-running epiphany in my mind is that this experience is an opportunity to be humble and grateful. I had no right to complain and I just had to accept. In order for one to do that, one must be equipped with an ounce of miracle, I thought. Why? Because its schitzo having all these opposing thoughts and feelings in mind.

Miracles I used to think came in the form of pictures of the Virgin Mary appearing in leaves, carved figures of her crying blood and apparitions of sorts. How foolish of me to overlook the practical miracles that unfolded in our life. Who would have thought that cancer would be a source of blessing, an opportunity for hundreds of people to do good and for our life to serve a purpose? How is it possible that I can write and Facebook about it in the first place? How is it possible that I find reason or inspiration to put such random thoughts in clear words and yet translate it into something so real in print? How is it possible that people from all walks of life are touched by a five year old?

From where we're standing, our fight is no different from anything that anyone else is fighting. Be it as simple as a bar exam, a breakup, a tough day at work, debt, poverty or politics--kanya kanya lng yan, I say when people shy away from ranting in front of me these days. World leaders try to erradicate evil in so many ways--plebicits, world campaigns, mass healing and such. When all we need, I realized, is a miracle that comes from within. I'm thinking along the lines of "The Man in the Mirror", yes, but more than that, we all have cancer cells in our body and those that suffer by it only happen to have very low immune systems, I was told. My personal cancer was arrogance, doubt and a kind of worldliness I am embarassed to admit. Yours may be ignorance, selfishness or insecurity. Whatever it is, your cancer can only be healed by a miracle or a sheer luck of being born with strong guts. And luck is nothing but a commercialized synonym of a miracle I think.

The miracle we've encountered is the fact that there are so many people praying out there--even those who aren't Catholic. The greatest gift Mio has received is the blessing of sincere well wishes and the assurance that he will be healed. The miracle happened the moment you opened your hearts to my son. And it took cancer for it to happen. If only you had the chance to witness and have the privilege of being loved by Mio, I would understand why this is possible. But no, you haven't. That is a miracle.

That high school friend of mine offered the healing mass saying that she was a skeptic for the most part, but if Mio taking a shot at it would change her mind, then so be it. I would find it doubtful too. But another new found friend told me that if you command it, it is done. If you will it to be, whatever it is, it is done. The confidence I gained in the innate goodness of most people and the weakness to surrender ourselves in faith have brought me to conclude that I cry most days because a miracle is happening everyday that Mio is being healed.

I'll show you more miracles later on, in the most realistic things you could actually imagine. Mio asked my Mom while the mass was ongoing and there were testimonials of those who were healed, "is it my turn next to talk, Anmom?" Like he knew what he was saying.

Mio's testimony is his childhood. And we owe that to you. Its a miracle that I declare it. But there is no evil in the world that cannot be overcome if all of us just realize how miraculous our daily lives are.

My son is well, happy and healthy from where I'm standing. I believe it so. I would do everything in my power to hold him and shield him from more pain but I am sick and the enemy is from inside him anyway. Who would have thought that saving him entailed help and prayers from beyond ourselves... beyond myself. From you and everyone out there? That's a miracle to me. I hope it is to you, too.

Love Sick

In case you didn't know, Mio is immuno-compromised which means that he's highly prone to infection and bleeding so we really have to up our preventive measures since we're not sure how his immune system works anymore. The simplest cough or colds entail taking him to the hospital right away that's why he's not allowed in crowded places anymore--malls, playgrounds, the church and his school as such. Why and what they need to do once he contacts a virus, I don't want to know.

So while my son stays home on days that he doesn't have treatment (which is ideally every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday) the plan is for me to be at work while the supposedly trained househelp gives his round the clock oral chemo; watch what he eats which shouldn't be uncooked, have preservatives or are too salty coz the steroids retain salt fast; makes sure no mosquitos bite him; makes sure everything he touches is clean; and at the same time that he doesn't get too tired fast even if he's on speed.

I, on the other hand require to be in so many places with so many people all the time. Either at the office, at the mall for pullouts or collateral and display checks, at shoots, commuting to and from by train, riding the jeep and being exposed to this unforgiving weather. I rarely get sick. But when I do, I really really get sick. It feels like my body saves 'em all so I can charge it on a long vacation. Cough, colds, headache, body ache, rashes, fatigue... name it, I probably have it. Thing is, I'm not on leave. I've been absent since all this began and I haven't even gotten back on track with work. And now, considering the emotional and physical strain combined, my throat hurts and I have this pounding headache since yesterday, it really feels like I'm coming down with something.

Seriously, I'm not complaining I'm sick. I'm worried I can't take care of Mio like I'm supposed to, I'm not fit to work and I'm practically useless to anyone and is possibly a cause or carrier of some virus that poses a threat to my son. That's not good.

I asked my Mom if Mio can sleep with her and dad last night. Mio who is practically the head of the household with everyday revolving around what he wants and needs refused after Mom told him I said so. Mio comes out in tears as if he took some time to think about it and says, "Mom I want you eh... just wear a mask, I won't take off my mask too. I want you to stay with me tonight coz you have work tomorrow e. I won't know if you're leaving, I want to feel you beside me eh...." He was really crying. I had to explain that it wasn't that I didn't want to be with him, I was sick and the germs causing me to be sick might go to him and that's not good. "Tell Dr. Racho to fix you now, Mom."

My son finds me wrapped under the sheets and goes to my parents room by himself later in the night. "Wake me up tomorrow nlng when you do Mom so I can take care of you." He feels healthier and he's on top of his game. He probably couldn't tell the difference of how sick he from how I am. All that mattered to him was that he was with me.

Right now, that's how I want it to be too. But life should go on and I should be back on my game. Until when will life wait on me to get back on track? How much longer will it take for cancer to be a part of our life? Its our norm already and its amazing how we're coping. If we are at all, its not without the support we get elsewhere. That alone is not normal. Its a miracle. My son's love is unconditional and its a miracle for me.

The first time I heard the concept of unconditional love was during C.L.E. class back in grade 4 when my teacher, Ms. Pamela Adriano mentioned it in passing describing God's love. The moment I heard it, images of my mom waking me up every morning, embracing me so I could get up and finally go take a bath flashed before my eyes. It was an epiphany that my parents love for me was what unconditional love was. I have proven that time and again, comically so considering with how my Mom cried her heart out when we revealed I was pregnant with Mio. "Nung nalaman kong may girlfriend ka, pinatawad kita. Nung hindi ka na virgin, pinatawad parin kita. Ngayon at buntis ka na, papatawarin pa kaya kita?"

This is why in my mind, I have no doubt that when Mio grows up, I can and without a heavy heart, accept and love him for who he is. With the way he's growing up to be like, I'm sure that won't be hard to do. What's hard for me as a parent is to imagine my son losing his hair, him getting sick and his suffering from each prick. If my son is going through all this now, what kind of hardships will he have to face in the future? No heartache,  hardship or pain will be bearable for a mother. His pain now and forever, I would rather have for myself. So seeing him up and about, wanting to take care of me while I am sick feels as if its how it should be.

On a lighter note, let me share Mio's latest project for Grandparents Day today. Ang sarap magkamagulang especially when they become grandparents. I always say our parents become better parents when they have grandchildren. But the truth is, I think children just appreciate and appreciate how their parents were right all along because they're parents already. My Mom would always say "I told you so" having been the paranoid one with Mio's paleness for quite some time. That's one more regret on top of so many things as it is. But today and tomorrow is not about that anymore. :) 

Happy Grandparents Day!

Terribly Mistaken

Mio and I got home quite late from his chemo today. Seemed like he suffered more from not eating than the injection. Groggy and all, all he could ask for was "can we eat in the restaurant after?" "Can i eat now?" all this lying down and dizzy. It took some time until he embraced the kets and fell into a short slumber.

We got home and he finished two servings of Chow King Chow Fan. All by himself. He's eating like a horse and drawing his entire day away. His crayons are shorter than mine if I still had crayons from before. Just a few minutes ago, Mio asked my help in a maze he was trying to figure out. I mapped it out and guided his hand once I figured it out. Unfortunately, I quickly forgot a turn and made a few mistakes to which I apologized for. My son answers:

"Its ok Mom. I make mistakes too."

Curious to what else is to come, I ask him what he does when he makes a mistake. "I erase it!" And if you can't? I probed further. "I make a new drawing and start again!" As if it was common sense.

I know its easy to erase a blog post and start all over again but I won't. The same way that the events in my past are irreversible and the things I regret not doing for Mio are too. Sometimes I think I could have done something to prevent him from having cancer or I could have been a better Mom even before cancer, but there is no questioning God's plan for us. I can however start all over again everyday like its a new day. If I may, I'd like to share a written note I found in my journal. I share this "mistake" fondly because the fear and the anxiety I had days before I sent Mio to the hematologist for his assessment based on the rheumatologist's suggestion (our initial complain were his joint pains, you see) are all gone. And I am confident that everything I promised him here, we can do together:

081509

Mio,

You have to get better, anak. You can't leave Mommy. You promised you will never leave me. There is no other reason to live if you go. Son, please. Dear God, don't take him away please. Keep my Mio safe and healthy. He's a good boy and he'd be a total waste of love if you take him away. Give me a chance to be a better Mom. I'm begging you.

Don't let me go. I can't keep going without him. Anak, I promise I'll take care of you and I will never leave you. You are mine. You're my Mio. Don't go. Don't be sick please. We have so much to do. We still have to buy you a pet; go to Disneyland; you'll go pa to Ateneo for big school; you'll learn pa how to drive and I'll buy you a real car; I still have to have you circumsized! 

I'll teach you pa how to drink and not take drugs; and if you ever do, how not to make it take over you; I still have to meet your girlfriend. And in case its a boyfriend, I still have to let you know its ok. I'll walk you down the aisle pa coz I won't if you don't want me to. Its just you and me, you said. So don't dare leave Mommy. Don't ever leave Mommy. Because I love you always. Even if I'm just learning (how to be a good Mommy), you said so yourself, I already know how.

Don't leave Mommy, good boy. I would rather die. I couldn't wish for anything more but to be enough for you only because I don't want to lose you, son. I love you more than anything and anyone. I shiver inside at the thought of losing you as if my mind will blow up and my heart is being broken and is shedding blood, so do not go away. Ever. Ok? I love you Mio. I love you so much. I can't and won't let you go. Love, Mom

Mio's chemo today was tear-free (well, almost). Doctor says its probably because he sees and feels that the medicines are working and doing him good. His blood count shoot up to 300+ which is already normal. We have yet to see how he really is after another two weeks when we do another bone marrow extraction, but so far, it seems as if cancer is erasable after all. So we're keeping our hopes up and our faith strong because cancer has no place in the next new days we are about to face.

Good night & Happy weekend people. :)