Guilty Feelings

I once said in a random blog entry some months ago that while talking to a friend about her post-breakup condition, guilt was the most ..... let me just paste it here:

One of my best friends was ranting earlier that she hated feeling guilty of all the feelings.
This friend of mine, like most of them were built to be rational and mind-driven.

I told her, 'but how come guilt seemed to be the only feeling that involved reason or conscience?" When you THINK about it, most feelings are just that.

Anger was mostly made up of selfish irrational physical expressions;
Sadness can be brought about by the most natural things like PMS or something that everyone's entitled to once in awhile;
Happiness is mostly a burst of adrenaline brought about by the simplest things for no particular reason.

Guilt is a feeling you cannot reproduce or demand of someone. I just realized that now as I'm typing. Interesting... It is a thought that only a higher kind of knowing can push from inside. Its the most genuine form of gut feeling.

Pain is another feeling altogether. I have yet to understand how it transpires but I know it too well to know that it doesn't equate to frustration, annoyance or disappointment. Not even anger. It just hurts. Its not a gut feeling. But it resonates all over your senses. That's quite a feeling.

Ironically, I'm smiling at the thought of knowing all these about feelings. Truly, mind is way over matter.

Its pointless but I had to write them down anyway. Perhaps you can create some feelings out of this. Either way, its elating to realize that imagining these complex human traits can be mind blowing. The mind and the heart working together. That's a start.

The point I'm relaying at the moment is that I feel guilty. Mio made me cry in the middle of the Power Plant at 8pm. My Mom texted that he wanted to talk to me and so I immediately called. I knew Mio was going to ask for something which wasn't new to me at all. I'd try to instill a bit of resistance just to reiterate that he couldn't get everything that he asks for precisely because of the value for money, patience and for the lack of discipline that I fear so much in spite of how ill he is said to be. I was in the mall at an ungodly hour because I was cramming several pullouts (aka sourcing or gathering of clothing and styling pieces whether borrowed or purchased from stores in order to come up with looks or an outfit for a given assignment whether for a tv show, magazine shoot or such). In fact, I'm still at the studio trying to put all these clothes together in time for taping tomorrow at an early call time and another in two different poles of this city! I'm not complaining about work because its precisely what I'm supposed to do.

That or attend to my cancer-stricken son. You probably think, "what's wrong with this mother?" She's guilty. That's what's wrong.

He called to say he wanted to go to the arcade tomorrow and that he wanted me home in time for when he's about to sleep. I said that's not possible because I had so much work to do in different places tomorrow and that I was still working as we spoke. "I don't want Wednesday, I want on Tuesday. And I don't want you to sleep in the studio, I want you here." He kept nagging me. I felt my voice raising a pitch higher. And I felt the stress rashes creeping all over my body. I was already annoyed because I was saying tomorrow while he kept saying Tuesday, not Wednesday --- it was all too confusing and choppy at the same time. It was frustrating to say the least.

He was silent for awhile and I was probing a bit, "Mio, do you understand Mom? Mio?" He answered and said, "I'm just sad. I'm crying." WTF. It's guilt-trip to the highest level! And he's just 5. My son is not manipulative at all, I know he's a good boy. I was just saying that this morning for crying out loud! So I knew that that throbbing feeling and the crack in my voice was coming nowhere else but from within. Its ruthless.

I wanted to remind him (I actually did, I did try to pull the guilt-trip back at him, shame on me) that I had to postpone several of my scheduled pullouts throughout this morning just so I can spend more time with him and give in to his request to go to the arcade first thing in the morning when the mall opens on a weekday since that was my rule if he were to go out. I had to tell him time and again that he's not supposed to go out but I let him because he's a good boy and he's well. If he got sick, even have the slightest cold, I'd die of guilt.

Little did I know he'd kill me with it. I cried to him actually and I was stuttering with words saying things like, "Anak naman e, hindi na nga ako magkandaugaga sa dami ng kailangan kong gawin, pinagbibigyan naman kita sa lahat, dba? Wag ka naman ganyan, sumasama na yung loob ko e." And Mio hated it when I spoke to him in straight Filipino either because he knew I was genuinely upset or that he didn't understand me. I cried to Mom when I asked him to put her on the phone. I'm happy my parents understand what I have to go through. Maybe its that time of the month. But Mio called a few minutes after and said sorry.

I remain guilty though. That doesn't change a thing. He's still a child like any other and the basic necessities of a five year old would be his Mom by his bedside at night or for her to have decent hours devoted to taking care of him, its a shame really that I have to spread myself so thinly. If he doesn't get better with all the medicine and toys we buy out of the money I claim to work so hard for on top of the help you give, I don't know what relief will appease me but for the meantime, I am guilty as charged and it sucks.

on that note, I leave you with this well crafted artwork by no other than the most effective prosecutor born on earth! He has drawn us our house as if telling me that I ought to be in it 24/7! Yet here I am at the studio, working while blogging just so that.... I'm such in a dilemma, I'm literally torn into pieces. How can you not feel guilty not being with a child like this?

Christmas Spirit

This is one of those Mondays that I woke up more grateful everyday than yesterday. Every Monday is a MioMonday for me because I wake up and end the day beside this precious little boy who inspires so many people by simply being the good boy that's he's always been. I probably did something right to deserve a man like him in my life. He explores my working space like its his own, finding his comfort and amusement here. He is patient like that, like in all things, his medication included. He doesn't ask when his next chemo is although he keeps asking what day it is. He knows his next visit to the hospital is on a Monday and that's next week. I'm sure he's not excited about it but he seems neither evasive on the matter. He diligently wears his mask, even puts his hand over his nose and mouth at night when his mask came off and I said, "that's ok, Mommy's not sick and its just the two of us." Shame on me for being so linient while my son insists. He even called me in the bedroom last night and said, "I want to clean my hands Mom." He said that while lying down. I don't want to know what he touched for him to want to clean his hands, so I obliged right away. Haha

Last Monday was spent with high school friends, the first of the many reunions I will have for the next two months I assume. We're also sending off Lachi to the States as she is about to move on and bring the memory of her father on to fulfilling her dreams and taking care of her family this time. Good luck Lach!

MioMondays are perfect for your reunions and intimate gatherings this holiday season!

Reserve your seats by texting Alessa @ 09177371376. MioMondays are set on Nov 23, Dec 7 and 21 @ Pino Resto Bar, 122 Maginhawa St., Teacher's Village, QC Menu includes white asparagus soup w/ taragon oil, fried kesong puti salad w/ seared scallops & fennel in mango vinaigrette, tempura oyster & pearl amuse mouche, cured salmon w/ miso mashed sweet potatoes & caper-butter sauce OR chorizo & ebi tempura surf & turf paella w/ serrano ham served with wine or iced tea capped off w/ Pino's signature dessert, their chocolate tempura. Yum!

Mio's own version of his mini-reunions. With all his cousins Moira, Meg & Sophie

the StART with Mio artists on a MioMonday. Please check http://miotheartist.blogspot.com for details
 

 It was as usual a delightful dinner along with the artists of StART with Mio, the collaborative work done by Alessa Libongco and various artists. They're working on Mio's doodles as initial parts of big artworks that will be put on display in Gallery 7, Eastwood throughout December. I hope you can come see it. These works will be sold at a premium price or auctioned off. All of course to continue funding Mio's treatments and help others like the Kythe kids we interacted with last Saturday at the I Am Hope Campaign. We're also happy to report that the devoted funds from the Mio Fights Cancer Benefit Concert have been distributed to Mio's chemomates, the other charity patients of his doctor, Dr. Allan Racho.

Its like christmas everyday since we experienced cancer. I honestly think this will be the best christmas in our life so far. I hope you feel the same spirit too.

Hope

Today is a celebration of many things that we ought to be grateful for....

Last night's beautiful occasion hosted by Cafe La Carmel and Notecracker was serene and modest, the album is a beautiful collection of original Filipino craftsmanship and the artworks by the kids that were (hopefully) sold were truly inspiring, I can't wait for Mio to make art like that! Thank you Jess.

Today, although we're running late because Mio doesn't seem to be in the mood or condition to go out is exciting my heart on a higher level of peacefulness. Kythe-Ateneo is currently conducting the I AM HOPE CAMPAIGN with several Ateneo organizations (Tanghalang Ateneo, my college org back then included) to mark a day that'll bring the best efforts of those who care enough to make families stricken with cancer more aware of how they can combat this disease the bravest way they could. Activities are lined up the whole day as well as inspirational talks from various cancer organizations and celebrities, we are fortunate to speak in behalf of all the kind hearts that have contributed in the creative ways by which Mio and I are able to fight cancer with a smile on our faces, armed with a bagful of faith and an army of talented and wonderful people. It is a privilege we are happy to share with over 50 families today and like the IAH's goal, place them on top of the world!

There will be food and game booths too to provide a day of leisure away from the usual DS and PSP games that these kids amuse theirselves with on a daily basis. A monitored interaction will also be provided thus enabling them to somehow have a semblance of the normal life they're entitled to. Gifts and loot bags with bandanas and stuff will be given out.

If you're up for a new do, one of the activities today is the BE BRAVE, GET SHAVED program where for every person who gets their head shaved today at the site, an equivalent amount will be donated so that other cancer kids can be assisted in funding their own treatment. I really hope you can partake in this or find one other person to do so. The act alone serves as a sign of solidarity to those who need to lose their hair in the process of being healed. For all you know, your own courage of losing your mane will bring a kind of glory that may well be equivalent to someone's life.

If you're not busy today, drop by the QC Circle Multi-purpose hall (disco area) this afternoon and share the love, bring hope and be part of a beautiful day. Check out http://theiamhopecampaign.multiply.com for more details.

mio's smART

Mio to Teacher Ginny and Tita Clems after class before heading to early arcade hour:

"I'm 100% now!"

Teacher Ginny gasps and complains why he takes breaks in between lessons coz he's apparently 0% while he becomes 100% during playtime. LOL

Yep. He's 100% when he goes out for that hour that I let him. I feel guilty taking this risk but he deserves it. I also get to steal some time to have him around while getting some work done at the studio just across Eastwood Mall. He tries to read everything he passes by and he told his then-yaya (hihi!) while pointing at Wagyu "Stone. Grill. There's a restaurant I go to at the hospital that has the word grill at the end, too." Her obliging playmate points out that he remembers quite well and he exclaims, "coz I'm always at the hospital! I've been going there for a long time now!"

Woah. Relax smarty, I thought to myself when I heard this story :) Its amazing how people think Mio's a cancer survivor when he hasn't even been immersed in it for more than three months. Its only the beginning. Intensification is yet to come, that's why the past few days or weeks have been kind to us.

Tonight though I'll be enjoying another collaboration precisely to appease my worries. It gladens my heart that a baby I considered in my school years has blossomed into such a beautiful lady, Notecracker's Jessica Fernando and her second life and precisely how I'd like Mio to live his in the future. She has great talent, good friends and ultimately a kind heart that from that baby to my baby now, it feels right to take part in this wonderful occasion, I hope you'd share it with us tonight @ Cafe La Carmela (#38 Jupiter St., Bel-Air, Makati). Buffet for P500 and the launch of special edition CD for Mio produced by Notecracker Music exclusively for MIO mART.
.

Check this, this & this for more details! Thanks!

Consolidated Moments

I have been working non-stop since Mio's treatments have been down to once a week and this week we get to take a break. Its hard being away from him but it comforts me knowing that I can afford to be away this much only because he is getting better. The guilt of not being there is stronger lately but really no point for me to complain. I can afford to buy him the lemonade he asked and a few more Spongebob toys and coloring books, as well as vitamins for the household without having to touch a penny of the donation money because I manage to do my responsibility. Forgive me for my rambling, I'm basically rationalizing and pacifying my guilt. Cancer or no cancer, I guess any single parent would be able to relate with how hard it is to be accused of "not spending time" when the slightest joy brought about by delightful conversatios injected between work feels like a pinch when missing your child is as frequent as your heartbeat.

Meanwhile, what brings joy to my heart on a more vain approach are these photos captured by one of my best friends lately, I've asked her to grace us with her talent and share it with the world. We need recent shots for a magazine we're being featured in since all our "captured moments" seem to be overused since the concert and the feature done by Qtube of QTV last Thursday (I must admit, being featured on TV, regardless of how unglamorous I looked--I'm quite embarassed to have looked so kawawa, but I was actually trying to differentiate my role as a Mom to Mio as how they recently interviewed me that same week for a styling gig. Mejo nakakalito hehe). Uhm. They're really nice, I'm so excited to share them with you! And I was actually more excited about the fact that Mio was more cooperative than most of our shoots in the past, its almost as if feel na feel na niyang sikat sya :) I'm so glad he's just a kid and that since he's getting better, the spoiling can be toned down a bit so I'm striking quite a balance in that department (although it worries me that his appetite has dropped, I had to explain to him that his medicine is making him not like eating so he has to eat when he's told now).

Anyway, the pictures! :)

 

 

 

 

 

  

Photos by Christine Clemente

Hair extensions from Azta Urban Salon, Eastwood City branch

Mio's clothes from La Playa

MMMMMMondays

I'm so excited for the next few Mondays because aside from Mio doesn't have chemo until the 23rd (he's in the consolidation stage of his treatment now. We're preparing his body for the intensification stage. He has new medicines and check ups so we're literally having the time of our lives so to speak), MioMondays are soooo yuMMMMMy really. Pino has always provided us with a homey venue for laidback drinks, dinner meetings with volunteers... the first MioMonday which Project Head Alessa Libongco setup with owners PJ Lanot, Star and Chef Ed to celebrate her birthday salubong with family and barkada (was it? I'm assuming really, it cost her friends and Dad an arm and a leg, yeah but they love her like that!) was baffling for me, I had every intention of just dropping by to say thank you for the help the Poveda girls were giving us until I tasted the salad... then took a bite of the entree... and was smashed with the signature Pino dessert! I just knew I had to come back and felt fortunate that I could take a bite or two in between :) sharing with you pictures that my good friend, John Palafox took of the launch.

 

 

Mio loved this, btw

 

Mr. & Mrs. Van der Linden, all the way from Paranaque (Thank you so much for coming!)

 

My new favorite bottle, Hardy's (thanks for sponsoring!)

 

 

We went back the week after for a special MioMonday on a Thursday so we can thank those who organized the past fund-raising projects for Mio and as thanksgiving for Mio's condition that's clearly improving. It was also a chance for me to introduce my family to the very people who have treated us like one :) these photos were taken by my Kuya.

 

looked who enjoyed the asparagus soup :)

 

... how about the paella? Yep, that's Kuya :)

 

Mommy Owie & her Kristo finally meet Mio!

 

the signature Pino dessert that made my family sooooo happy

Incidentally, Alessa's creativity doesn't stop there. We still have Mio The Artist in Gallery 7 come December and she made these really ingenuous buttons pins from some of Mio's drawings. We're selling them for P75 each. We gave them away as gifts along with iCANCERvive baller bands for MioMonday participants and volunteers. They're really useful! There's a keychain-slash-mirror and a magnet-slash-bottle openner! O dba so cool???

 

Hope to see you on a MioMonday!