Hair Everywhere

On our pillows, in the basin of wate when he bathes, at the back of his shirt and on the plate when he eats....

It has begun and although its not as drastic as I've seen it to be on the tv screen or the movies, its just as devastating as I was told it would be.

My son has started to lose his hair and as much as I try to brave him for it, all he could ask was when his hair was going to come back. He won't even entertain the idea of shaving it all off to save him the hearbreak of seeing his hair deteriorate right before his eyes, like he could understand how that meant at all.

Tears swell up as I pick up the strands of hair from the back of his shirt one by one, nonchalantly doing it without seeming fixated as we watch a movie, eat a burger or drive in the car.

"My son's chemo is working, we're nearing the end of his treatments," these are the things I tell myself when I feel like cying. "He can't see you crying over falling hair, how do you think he'd feel?"

He's five years old and he has to go through this. I'm praying very hard he doesn't remember how hard this is, I hope he just recalls how loved he has been throughout this ordeal.

We're on chemo break this week so I'm taking him on a picnic as he requested. He wants me to make not maanghang tuna sandwich, bake pie and bring him juice (for some odd reason, my son is really impressed with my "cooking" skills, you know). I'm taking my ECG, stress and bone density tests too while Mio's away from the hospital this week just to be sure I'm not sick of anything too, what with the sleepless nights throughout the first month of the year and heartburn attacks. I can't afford not to work and its so hard to make ends meet.

I really feel like crying. Its 5am and I'm up working. Thankfully my son is sound asleep with my parents. He's so uncomfortable I just want it all to go away.

New Year Prayer

Dear God,

Grant us enough time that we may be able to accomplish everything that you have tasked us to do. Like working so we have money to fund Mio's chemo; time to squeeze that in between his rigorous chemo schedule; time to rest to brave the next day; time to continue being grateful; time to acknowledge that our problems are good problems; time to stop and think of....

How precious Mio's cross is. Really, Mio's turning six in April and I can't imagine how we can celebrate his birthday without recognizing how wondrous it is that if falls two days after Easter. How do we send a message that the beauty of Mio's existence is just as great as the meaning of Easter, of new life. A life that is renewed everyday. Most friends when asked how they're kids are would answer they're makulit, or how they've been doing in school... I have to answer each and everytime that he's getting better. Everyday. My son is better than the day before. Like his disease is staple and he just has to get better. When you think about it, all kids are getting better everyday. Sometimes, the normal ones most parents have tend to look like they're getting worse as they grow older but really. ALL kids get better everyday. Not just Mio.

Grant me too the strength to be patient. Grant this too upon my parents, those who day in and day out share the burden of raising Mio. In their old age, grant them the wisdom of grandparents to continue finding the joy in their apo. Sometimes during Mio's chemo he'd be too demanding and would shout out of impatience himself. My Mom almost cried and prayed for the same virtue.

Grant me the willingness to believe that Mio will continue his healing with flying colors. His hair is as resilient as his soul and his doctor and the doctor's secretary joke about it. But everyday that his hair is intact--thick, sweaty and trickling at the back of his neck--I find comfort that he has no reason to be scared. 

I pray again for enough time. Enough time to spend with my son. So that when that time comes, that his hair will fall, or when his tummy hurts and his chest tightens, I will hear him complain instead of having to ask and be called "annoying" by my son for asking the same questions over the phone--grant me enough time so that I can be there and comfort him when the time comes that he will be scared when his hair falls.

If I can ask for more, maybe you can just save him his hair. He's more handsome with it anyway.

 Mio bald on his first year. Bagay ba?

I asked his doctor when he can go back to school because his math tutoring supplement is getting harder, he said. What can you expect, its supposed to be a supplement rather than his sole source of learning but often these days, I couldn't find the time to teach him. The doctor said that June might be a good time, what with Mio's fast recovery and positive response to the aggressive medicines. I am ellated at the thought that my son can go to school again, I don't even mind if he'd have to endure his classmates constantly asking him if he's sick because he has to wear a mask. Like when this little girl asked if he was sick, he bravely answered, "I have leukemia." Brave or annoyed because the girl was bothering him from his busy playtime.

I pray that my son will always be sweet and find the joy in his life. He calls in busy and cries when his Cheetos are all eaten up. He draws me hearts and sad faces because of the many days I am out and at work. He asked me one idle afternoon, "Mom, when you were small, did you want to be a Makeup Artist or a Mommy?"

I said, "I wanted to be an artist so I studied well and I am one now. But no one gets to choose being a Mommy. Being a Mommy is a blessing, Anak." I said, as if it was the wisest and wittiest thing I ever said. "What? How is that Mom?"

"Because God's angels choose their Mommies when its time for them to go to earth and bless people. Like you chose Mom!" "Am I an angel, Mom?"

Dear Lord, I know you yourself would answer, YES. So please hear this Mommy's prayer.

AMEN.

PS. Please keep me safe as I ride a plane out of town for another shoot while my son goes through chemo simultaneously. Keep me alive so I can come home to him safely. Thanks God!

 

PPS. Paki-lift narin po ang sandamakmak na trabaho since these are what needs to be done so I can help myself answer my own prayers.

Intense

"Wake up Mio, we have chemo today. Let's take a bath?"

I still need to rest Mom, its too early.

"I know. So lets get this over and done with."

Mio woke up to a great Monday morning, the second of this year to be exact. He cried on New Year's Day when he realized that it was already January. "Will I get kalbo already Mom?"

We've started our intensification phase of his treatment. His liver and cbc tests reveal everything is normal as per usual (praise God) but Dr. Racho isn't being complacent about his medication. I'm mapping out another month-long calendar of his oral medicine and trying to figure out how to schedule his tutoring in between his every other day chemo sessions.

"I'm not yet ready! I'm not done praying!" Mio cries out to the lab technician, bent on postponing the innevitable justifying that he's not used to it anymore that's why its more owie. I really wouldn't know but my patience seems to be in salisi to his improvement. Either that or I'm just as scared as he is because Dr. Racho keeps reminding us to take note of his urine--it turns red after doxo which brings Mio to tears thinking his wiwi is blood! Thank God it was just..... orange. Haha. Funny sometimes. Or that's just how we're supposed to look at things sometimes.

He's also taking 7.5mL of Benadryl for allergy precaution. Apparently, most kids on chemo become allergic to the second dose of Leunase and break in rashes and itches all over. So his last drip took a hefty 5 hour sitting session! My Kuya's birthday pansit was soggy when they came home and my parents along with Mio were soooooooooo tired. But that's not over! We've got three or four more weeks of this schedule, it truly is intense. His mood is just as intense, whining and complaining at the slightest discomfort. 5 hours of making him comfortable while he's hooked on the IV can be really taxing but its the least I can do, right? Thankfully we were told that the luxuries of kids his age are necessities for kids like him so his titos, titas and ninongs and ninangs have invested in making him enjoy his chemo time the best way possible with gadgets like these. "You're the luckiest kid on chemo son, you know." I constantly remind him.

The bank account's depleting too. But thankfully work's never stale. I have full trust that my hardwork and labor will reap its rewards full throttle at the right time because God provides when needed. So help us God.

Faith in the face of Cancer

I've been spending time with my childhood friends who've known me all my life and know me better than I do myself. At the end of much anxiety and worry they have over Mio because the events in our life seem to have happened due to my lack of foresight or the abundance of drama and "living for the now" kind of attitude towards life, I'd like to think that I have assured them that there is integrity and whole-heartedness in the decisions I make regardless of how they feel them to be a mouthful of justifications for untraditional methods of raising Mio and dealing with his illness that isn't as simple as a cough or a cold.

I share with you valuable thoughts I had that have graced my mind that I consider to be snippets of wisdom only our unique life could have provided us with:

Knowing fully well that my son is unique and is going through a tough time throughout his crucial formative years, I struggle hard in this less than ideal situation of ours with juggling time, pratical decisions and instilling values in his innocent mind. My son as have been said, is wiser beyond his years and although I do not take credit for it, I "justify" our life experiences--mine for that matter--that may or may not affect him directly by enumerating or analyzing the life plan I've led into these ideals in spite of the difficulties surrounding our world.

1. Integrity

Fighting with Mio over a toy versus giving in to his petulent whining is his luxury for being merely a five year old. Disciplining and yet indulging him at the same time is a tug of war on so many levels but I insist on arguing nonetheless because I'd rather he knows why and how decisions are made based on what's good for him. Its a long and arduous task of debating with him for the rest of his life infused with drama but I gladly go through them in spite of the heartaches because I want him to learn early on that he should and will have to make decisions for small and big things eventually.

Saying sorry is not as simple as saying the word. I make it a point he knows what I'm apologizing for in spite of the risk of it sounding like a fake apology or that he knows what he's supposed to apologize for the best way his vocabulary can express it to be so. That for me is integrity and is important so Mio will grow up to be responsible, the most responsible way I know how.

2. Honesty

Whether its about how I feel, what I do, where I am and who I'm with, I include Mio and make him figure even in the littlest way as telling him or letting him know. This encompasses the harsh and cruel realities of his medication, what's going on in his body and the perilous ins and outs of my work and personal life (in a kid-friendly and understandable explanation of course).

This kind of transparency and lack of suspense and sheltering, in my opinion, makes for valuable life skills in weaving and making sense out of what he is or might have to go through. In the end, I'd like to think that my son has that sense of openness and is aware of even the less ideal facets of life or of other people, his mother included, that will equate to him formulating his own path and perception of justice, of family and of the people he chooses to be involved with or include in his life as friends or co-workers eventually.

3. Goodness. I was told wasn't a value at all. But it is part of what I have been trying to instill in my five year old the past years and now more than ever. If I were to describe what goodness is for me, what makes a person essentially good by nature it would be allowing his gut to trigger him to avoid malice or thinking ill of others, the absence of judgement and prejudice and ensuring no harm is inflicted to man, nature or to himself the best way he knows how and hopefully lead him to developing a cancer-free flow of blood from his compassionate heart.

Where does faith figure in this formative life plan intended for Mio?

The onset of cancer has triggered a momentary lapse of faith where I end asking God the why's and how's on dealing with the cards i'm dealt with. My own faith is nurtured as I grow older and I am fortunate to have been raised with a truly conservative family, a humble home and intelligent yet grounded sets of friends from a generally Catholic or Christ-centered communities.

It is only recently that my faith has been opened to its aspect of full surrender. I have realized that living in the now, although not practically admirable or beneficial in the vital future has been my inner core's way of offsetting the arrogance that is hindering the higher being I consider in my life to fully work His mysterious and wondrous ways in my life. I let things walk in and take it full throttle in spite of the hurdles or the simple fact that i could say no, precisely because my faith will tide us through it all along with the learnings these life experiences equip us with. That much I know about faith. That much I leave to Mio to realize when he's older. That much faith--and a whole lot of it if it is to be quantified at all--I integrate in the way I raise Mio.

Videos: Mio Fights Cancer Benefit Concert

Didn't realize until now that I could embed the videos in the blog. Thank you Ate Mae, Iz and Patlaroco for the youtube uploads. So for those who missed the concert, or to those who miss the concert ;p please enjoy these as we reminisce the highlights of our 2009 at the start of this wonderful year, cancer recession and all. With God's grace and blessings such as friends like these, we CAN fight cancer again and again and again :)

PS. Mio's playing a video game and whenever his players dies, I'd scream! He said, "why are you worried about me, its just a game Mom!" isn't that cute? Of course it was a chance to reassure him that, "Aren't you glad that even if its just a game I worry about you and think of your well-being? What more in real life?!" Yon.